We are all wired with a deep craving to feel LOVED!
Out of this need, we ceaselessly play an attractive character, while masking our weaknesses. Most people are not conscious of their own capacity to LOVE until they relize it’s a problem…
After a year of studying the concept of LOVE…. I found why few people have a HIGH capacity to LOVE, and most a LOW capacity! I also learned the depths people are capable of… and why some can say they LOVE you… but their actions and/or words demonstrate the opposite. Then I uncovered the true meaning of LOVE!
~ A person with a LOW capacity to LOVE:
Unknowingly we may step on peoples emotional land-mines. In my life those who withdrew their heart during our relationship, was initiated by some connection they made to a painful childhood experience. Responding from a deep wounded heart, rooted in injustice and/or deficit of love from either;
- abused; physically, emotionally, sexually..
- rejected, abandon or orphaned…
- performance base or conditional..
- a crushed spirit…
Until resolved, there will be hidden pride within their heart. Hidden pride is a focus on ones inner pain and feelings of rejection. This is fertile ground for the enemy to build strongholds, producing insecurity, self-pity (“Woe is me,” self-centeredly removing God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests, constantly complaining, living a life of misery, self-absorbed and indulged, never satisfied), victim mentality, self-loathing. Resulting in an inability to see anything except ones own needs, pain and feelings, unable to respond to others needs, pain and feelings.
They will have difficulties with relationships with others.
Their beliefs developed from lifes experiences of deep pain that can keep them from soaking in your love without question or reservation. They may protect themselves against any approach, by stonewalling your attempts to communicate with them, so you can’t talk things out, work through issues, express deep feelings, and resolve conflict in a safe respectful way.
They may recruit others into their offense, discussing their issues with those who validate their dysfunctional belief system, instead of someone who could challenge their thinking (made-up-stories).
Life is about choices: Reslove or Run, Pass or repeat the test, Freedom or Bondage…
It takes courage to open up areas of deep vulnerability. If their not committed to looking internal at the root issues, then they are inclined to accuse the character of their partner that these issues were brought up through. Their deep unresolved wounds sends them fleeing.. They end up getting offended, making others wrong, and in some cases hold grudges. They may test and provoke you, to distance themselves emotionally from you. They see themselves as victims, which could make you the villain or even their enemy, driven by a subconscious protection of their emotional vulnerabilities, resulting in closing their heart off, and locking you out….
If you listen close enough, they will tell you their intentions to drive you away.
These are all very complex issues, and hard to understand. Gone unresolved, will cause a downward spiral to deeper hurt & pain. You can not reason with a person who is bent on proving they are unlovable. Some may look fine on the outside, but self-deprecating, desperately lonely on the inside.
Until they come to understand the root of their stronghold, they will lack empathy and compassion to see others breaking heart from their withdrawn heart. Ending in their case building, breeding offense and unforgiveness. You may end up on the receiving end of their desire to drive you out….
“Being on the receiving end of their rejection feels less then loved!“
Their unwillingness to change or be corrected leads them to distance themselves emotionally from you, and many other manifestations, like: distrusting, withdrawing, isolating, self-sufficient & independent, impatience, irritability, argumentative, anger, rage, skeptical, control, lack of submissive attitude, rebellious. They see themselves as unlovable, and they rappel any one who tries to love them, they tend to attack those closest to them…
“Those INTENSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS for OTHERS, are REALLY about OURSELVES….!”
When the walls around their heart come down, then they’ll be able to see your empathy, compassion for them, how much you really care, your desire to understand their pain, and the LOVE you have for them. Only then will they be able to trust you with their pain and come to a safe vulnerable place, where they can come to a deep healing.
We’re all working through issues in our lives. God brings issues out in our lives, so they can be worked out! Only the Lord can open their eyes to see their shortcomings, hopefully they will acknowledge them and choose to pursue transformation, leading to emotional growth.
Holding them to a standard higher then they are capable of may lead them to feel your judging them, you risk that they may get offended, causing separation. These strongholds stand in the way of their ability to be loved.
“The capacity to love is also the capacity to be loved…”
~ A person with a HIGH capacity to LOVE:
Few people have a high capacity LOVE, by demonstrating it with their actions, matching their words. A person with a high capacity to LOVE will stay highly engaged in your life, never get offended, or withdraw their heart/relationship. They will always stay emotionally available to you, and give you the shirt of their back.
They LOVE God in themselves, pursue God in all things, overcomes behavioral-dysfunction and addictions, takes responsibility for their actions, their drama free (not ill-tempered), keeping open communication (no stonewalling), willing to resolve conflict, they keep their heart open, and have the desire to live in harmony with others.
“Those who seek to understand truly LOVE, and the one who feels understood is sure to feel LOVED!“
~ Christ demonstrated the HIGHEST capacity of LOVE!
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8) He calls us to the same standard. Included is a contrast to fulfill His standard.
If Love is patient… why so impatient?
If Love is kind… why so cruel?
If Love is not proud… where is the humble spirit?
If Love is not rude… rude is rejecting and criticizing the one you say you love.
If Love is not self-seeking… why is the relationship selfishly all about you?
If Love is not easily angered… why angered so quickly?
If Love keeps no record of wrongs… why are you holding a grudge?
If Love rejoices in the truth… why reject the truth?
If Love always protects… why neglect the heart and relationship?
If Love always trusts… why so guarded and mistrusting?
If Love always hopes… why in such despair?
If Love always perseveres… why are you quitting?
If Love never fails… why have you quit?
The fruit of the Spirit is LOVE ~ Galatians 5:22 (NIV)
Love suffers long and is kind…. 1 Corrinthians 13:4
~ A TEST of TRUE LOVE:
You can trust they have your best interest.
They greatly enrich your life.
They will not hinder you but help you all your life.
Their character is strength and dignity.
They laugh with no fear of the future.
When they speak their words are wise.
Kindness is their rule.
Capacity to LOVE… on a scale of 1 to 10:
1 – Extremely LOW: Deeply wounded, guarded, low character, selfish: emotionally, finacially, time & possesions.
5 – AVERAGE: Self centered, loves others out of need to receive love, takes advantage or hides behind others weakness, out of their own weakness.
10 – Extremely HIGH: Open hearted, LOVES deeply with no expectations, High character, Generous: emotionally, finacially, time & possesions.
1. Do you feel LOVED?
2. What demonstrates LOVE to you?
3. Do you wonder why some people seam unable to LOVE?
4. How do you rate your own capacity to LOVE?